Why Educators Say Children Need Room to Struggle and Solve Problems
Educators and developmental experts say children need chances to solve everyday problems themselves, as instant answers and constant monitoring can rob them of practice.
When a child forgets lunch, stalls on a math problem or cannot find the way somewhere, a parent's first instinct is often to step in. But developmental experts and educators say those moments are opportunities, not emergencies.
Figuring things out is a skill that has to be practiced, and children need room to do that practice. The difficulty for parents lies in judging when to help and when to hold back. Helping a child work through a hard situation is not the same as removing the problem before the child has even tried.
The challenge has grown sharper in an era of instant answers. Children can reach information almost immediately, while technology gives parents more ways to watch from a distance. Location tracking, real-time grades and quick emails to teachers mean adults can intervene before a child has noticed a problem, let alone thought about a solution.
Dr. Dana Suskind, a professor of surgery and pediatrics at the University of Chicago and author of "Human Raised," said the most important thing adults can give children is not the answer but the experience of finding it. When parents swoop in, she said, children lose chances to practice skills such as pausing before acting, recalling what worked before and trying new approaches.
Dr. Stephanie Carlson, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota, said children who rarely have to struggle can develop severe anxiety when they must figure something out alone.
Experts suggest parents step in when there is real danger, but slow down and talk through lower-stakes problems. Open-ended questions can help: What do you think? What could happen? How could you solve this? What else could you try?
Allowing children to feel bored, frustrated, impatient or nervous can support learning and prepare them for adulthood. Kiryn Hoffman, CEO of the National Children's Museum in Washington, D.C., said boredom can foster creativity and play while building confidence and resilience.
In "10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World," psychologist Dr. Jean Twenge writes that children and teens have fewer chances than earlier generations to spend time with friends, move around independently and make decisions away from adult supervision. By their senior year of high school, fewer teens have a driver's license, go on dates or hold paid jobs than in previous generations, she writes.
Parents do not need to manufacture situations. Routine tasks naturally offer chances to practice agency, experts say.
Nicole Knoth, a mother of two teenage girls in Flagstaff, Arizona, began giving her daughters small decisions when they were young. At age 5, she would hand them $5 in a store and have them work out what they could afford, including tax and discounts. Now teenagers, they do the grocery shopping, and her oldest manages her own credit card.
Jemia Cunningham-Elder, a mother of four daughters in Chicago, learned there is no set age for when a child should be expected to do something alone. She assesses what each child can handle, gives a little more freedom and watches what happens. If they manage, they earn more independence. If they struggle, she weighs whether it was a useful learning experience or a sign they were not ready.
That approach reflects another point: independence does not mean doing everything alone. A child who realizes they cannot solve a math problem and asks the teacher for help is practicing independence. So is a child who forgets an assignment and works out how to find the information instead of having a parent call the teacher.
The same approach does not fit every situation. Parents must weigh safety, maturity and circumstances.
Caroline Chirichella, a 37-year-old mother in southern Italy's Campania region, had been trying to give her 8-year-old daughter, Lucia, more freedom. She hesitated to let her spend time outside with friends alone because of traffic concerns. In lower-stakes matters, she and her husband eventually stopped calling other parents or teachers when Lucia forgot to write down an assignment. She told her daughter: "Your homework is your responsibility."